THE 19 WORST SKI CHALET GUESTS

Chris Tomlinson's list of worst guests:

1. Lads or ladettes

Actual stag and hen parties will usually be made to book a chalet exclusively. Neither they nor the chalet host want any innocent bystanders to get hurt.  However, often the best man/person will have lied about the nature of his group in order to find accommodation and so involve other guests. It could get messy for everyone especially the chalet host(ess). Take a good deposit.

2. People who don’t drink

They’re not safe to drink around because they will remember what an arse everyone was the night before and will remind them at breakfast. But at least they won't drink the chalet out of vin plonk.

3. Stokers*

Anyone who likes drinking games or says, ‘Eating is cheating’. They’re in radio contact with the Après Aliens* who will abduct  and deposit guests in the wrong chalet.

4. Small children

Remember, the younger the kids, the more annoying the parents will be. Just hope they go to ski school all day rather than turn the chalet into Telebubby land with Play-Do mines - the parents that is, as well as the kids.

5. Skiing raconteurs

Those who love the sound of their own voice. They will have been to every resort you mention and have skied every run you have - only backwards. And better.

6. People who don’t talk about skiing / snowboarding

I once had a group of scuba divers in my chalet who talked about diving all week so I was constantly looking out of the window to check I could see the Alps, not the Red Sea.

7. Anyone recently in or out of love

Those smitten or bitten by love seldom make good drinking companions and are either unbearably happy or unbearably melancholy. With the former, you may have to endure overhearing endless mobile phone drivel as they make and take calls from ‘snuggle bum’. 

8. Frustrated naturalists

Men who think it is okay to eat without a shirt on, both at breakfast and at lunchtimes. Even if you’re outside and it’s sunny, there’s just too much molten cheese knocking around an alpine table to make topless eating safe. It also puts others off their food (don’t make me show you why). Many people are also exhibitionists who like to wander around the chalet in their underwear. Note: this is totally okay for young women, but not men - of any age. 

9. Anyone who doesn’t wear watches (or check the time on their mobiles)

Need I explain?

10. Fussy eaters: Diets / vegetarians / allegies

Diets should start AFTER not BEFORE, a skiing holiday. It’s the opposite of a beach holiday (unless you’re a frustrated naturalist of course). Dieters will make you feel bad about your own indulgences and their ‘My body is a temple’ attitude will grow tiresome towards the end of the week, when you know they have a secret stash of Mars Bars in their bedroom.

Fortunately few  vegetarians make it to France as the French do everything in their power to discourage Les Cucumbers from holidaying in their country.   

Folk who will, or think they will, die if they eat nuts, gluten, dairy or make eye contact with a clove of garlic. They may exhibit extreme forms of attention seeking behavior, such as anaphylactic shock or death. This can really ruin the ambience in a chalet. 

11.  Ski Nazis*

They’ll make everyone eat breakfast at 7am so the chalet host(ess) has to rise even earlier to fetch the baguettes. The holiday turns into a skiing boot camp but, at least, for the host(ess) it means a peaceful day in the chalet as all the guests are marched off to ski/snowboard till last lifts.

12. Ski Faffers*

They are happy for everyone who DOES own a watch to sit in the Land Rover waiting to be taken to the lift. Towards the end of the week, ‘someone’ will end up shouting ‘For God’s sake what are you doing? Get your boots on, get in the Land Rover, everyone is waiting for you – again!’ And it’s always better if that ‘someone’ is the faffer’s spouse, not me.

13. Morning people

They may ask you when you're going to get a 'proper' job and  other difficult questions before you’ve had enough coffee to come up with credible answers.

The list goes on with more Worst Guests from our other seasonaire chalet host contributors:

14. Teenagers

They've come on holiday with their parents because they can't afford to go skiing without them and will expect them to pay for everything and wait on them. Chalet hosts or hostesses are just parent substitutes for cooking, cleaning and making beds. Watch their wine intake while parents turn a blind eye or you may end up hosing down their bedrooms

15. Whingers

There's always one in a chalet group, the one who whinges about the chalet's foibles like a creaking door or the consistancy of your porridge. They'll never stop whinging about the snow - too little, too much, too wet, too cold, too white. 

16. The accident prone

You can spot them as soon as they get off the airport bus, when they slip on the only patch of black ice in the whole resort. They'll have their leg in plaster before you can say 'mind that banana skin' and then hang out in the chalet all week meaning you have to watch Homes Under The Hammer with them and bring them tea because they can't carry a mug while on crutches and you worry they'll sue you for  banana skin negligence.

17. Comedians

They're the ones who put  that banana skin on the kitchen floor.  They'll also start the drinking games and bust their sides when all the teenagers vom. But, in their favour, they DO make you laugh. 

18. Tech dependents

The first thing they do on entering the chalet is ask for the WiFi code - and they're only six years old. Without the Internet they start shaking with withdrawal symptons. They are useful, though, for getting Kodi on the chalet TV. 

19. Ungrateful guests

You've catered for their every food whim, waited to take them to the lifts, babysat their children, made them tea when they've broken their limbs and they think that leaving a quarter full bottle of Herbal Essences in the shower is a really generous gesture.. A couple of unused cotton buds, one ski sock and a packet of condoms will not make up for the  €10 minimum tip per person you hope for. Therefore you will NOT be parcelling and posting their forgotten mobile charger, goggles or ski boots which are, come to think of it, far better booty than Herbal Essences.

* In order to successfully identify Stokers, Après Aliens, Ski Nazis, Cougars, and Ski Faffers, along with many other unsavory skiing animals, you will need a copy of ‘Skiing With Demons – The Morzine Chalet Project’ - an essential guidebook for anyone wanting to survive working in a ski resort or a chalet-based skiing holiday.